I don’t understand rings, and what I don’t understand, I automatically dismiss. I had one on my finger for about a minute, it irritated me, I had to constantly think I had it on. So I took it off and wondered why would anyone live with this annoyance. Maybe someone who has no troubles at all would want an itchy finger.
I asked some jewelers about it, they mentioned metal allergies, improper fit, and bad design. I told them to get lost. I then looked into it. Rings have a symbolic function. Thousands of years ago, peasants and kings looked the same: homeless goblins with bearded, sunburnt, spotty, pruritic excuse for a face. So to distinguish between VIPs and riffraff, the former wore a shiny trinket on their person.
The class distinction function is obsolete today. Everybody dresses like the homeless, the only good dressers are the lying scum of business and politics. The more superfluous the job, the grander the attire.
This leaves us with the symbol of love function, the engagement and wedding rings. Yes, it is quite an achievement by the good dressers who persuaded happy couples around the world that there must be three rings between them. One as a future contract agreement and two for the actual contract. That’s a 50% sales increase with one swoosh. Of course, they can void both the agreement and contract at any time and return the rings for about a quarter of their purchasing price.
I meet three kinds of contracted lovebirds.
- “I got fat and fed up with this thingie, and I don’t want to be in people’s faces with my figured-out life. I also wan to keep my options open and strike without the skin indentation.”
- “Looky here, people! Somebody let me lie on top of them *and* agreed to divvy up their finances. Give me a V, give me an A… okay, it’s too long, the word is validation. Also, from now on, when I say something about interest rates or immigration, it’ll come with the dignified authority of my domestic stability.”
- “I can’t believe there was enough providence for me to get hitched. Let me gesticulate excessively and raise my palm to your eye level. Look at this metal circle, motherf**ker!!!”
I also read that a ring on the middle finger represents power and independence. That’s where RANDY CANDY wore a simple silver band: “A soldier gave it to me.”