I have a cousin who’s a raving pussoholic. Every cell in his body lives and breathes to get whatever it is that pussoholics want. One time he asked me if I had a place where he could take his latest acquisition, a married woman whose husband was a traveling salesman. She had kids and was out of town, so they couldn’t use her house.
I gave him keys to my dad’s office. He said he would bring them back in 40 minutes. That was his magic number: I’ll be there in 40 minutes, I’ll do it in 40 minutes, I’ll pay you back in 40 minutes. Translated from Crap into Slovak, it meant 2 hours and 40 minutes. He would be a great movie producer to tell studio executives how long the movie’s going to be.
So three hours later he came back with the woman. She looked all right. The face suggested a degree from Clown College, but the figure was sympathetic. I went to check on the office. The air was heavy with carbon dioxide and perfume. Something horrible must have happened here.
My cousin, he doesn’t pussyfoot around.
I ran into him a week later. He was visibly troubled. He called it quits with the circus act, but she wouldn’t accept it because she was in love with him and ready to tell her husband, who would remove my cousin from his bodily prison. He asked if I had some burner phone because he had to turn off his. I had a spare SIM card. He returned it after a month. I put it in my phone to see if it worked. I got a text: “Ahoj, čo dnes porábaš?” (Hi, what are you up to today?)
He took another vict… lover to our grandma’s house at night (he suffered from chronic lack of locations) and started ravaging her on the kitchen table. Grandma woke up and came downstairs. Cousin later said she might have seen something through the frosted glass door, but they managed to zip up and skirt down when she entered: “Sorry, grandma, we’re leaving.” The woman ran ahead. Grandma looked at him very sternly: “Do you know what day it is today? It’s Ash Wednesday.” I actually introduced FUGSY BUGSY to him, silly little me. He said he would never make a pass at her because I was his dear cousin and he wasn’t an animal. And then he made it. I literally had to lock her away.