What a bunch of bullshift sauna is! A heated wooden box for presumed health benefits and a nice feeling on the skin. I tried it once, it was a physically and socially unpleasant experience. While there, a woman unwrapped and presented us her full bush. I wasn’t wearing my glasses and couldn’t see if she was hot. Both meanings. One visit was enough to understand sauna’s main and only function: gawk at bodies to decide whom to pursue sexually.
Let me tell you a story I just made up. An ancient Finn crouched above a hole. It was cold outside, he had to do his business in 10 seconds and run back into the yurt. He raised a shed around the hole. Still cold, but at least he couldn’t be seen. He put a stove in. Now he could sojourn on the crapper for an hour, just like present-day people with smartphones do. But it was lonely. You know the Finnish, the extroverted social animals that they are. So he covered up the latrine and invited male friends over. A Valhalla for discussing the arts was born. No wives allowed.
But then, like with most things, sauna was taken over by philanderers and sex maniacs. They invited young single women inside to cleanse and relax in the nude. It was the latest trend: being hot in body and cool in spirit. This way they were able to inspect breasts, hips, and thighs and find gaps in self-control through which to ingratiate themselves. That’s what twisted characters do, they persuade others to voluntarily enter a chamber on the pretext of hygiene.
There’s no conclusive evidence that sauna facilitates weight loss and detoxification, nor that it alleviates muscle and joint pain. It’s just an ex-toilet for people who belong in the toilet. The research could be more effective, but sauna attendees fill themselves with booze, boner pills, hunger pills and perform the Kama Sutra on unergonomic sofas right after, which makes the source of their well-being difficult to pinpoint.
As for the pleasurable sensations, if you like your brain being cooked, you didn’t have much in it in the first place. Saunists can’t hold a conversation about the weather, they just stare into each other’s crotches. Then comes the cold plunge, the dress rehearsal for stroke. Good luck getting *that* shrinkage back into working condition.
Okay, let’s be serious and generous for a moment. Sauna is surely an innocent pastime with heart exercise and nice trivial babble. Yes and yes, but 80% of women and 99% of men have disgusting, vomit-inducing bodies. If you want to remember what was said, instead of having PTSD after seeing potbellies, hairy backs, scars, moles, stretch marks, acne, weird belly buttons, cross-eyed nipples, gynecomastia, cankles, bunions, varicose veins, and vitiligo, stay dressed! That’s what fashion that you like so much is for.
I also imagine criminals using sauna to plan their next dastardly move because surveillance is impossible in the heat and steam, all equipment melts. There is simply no honorable incentive for going to the sauna. Sorry. The ultimate proof that sauna has nothing to do with health and everything with spousal escape and sexual siege… they have saunas in Dubai.
When I learn someone is a saunist, I don’t disparage them, and I don’t talk to anyone who knows them. Yes, I maintain two degrees of separation.
BOOZY FLOOZIE and her circle of acquaintances enjoy sauna very much. No further psychological probing necessary.
