I started lying down with FASTY THRUSTY in June 2003. It was implied I had no prior experience in human sexual activity and that she did. She asked about mine, I tried to be as vague and brief as possible. I didn’t ask about hers, she told me anyway about boyfriends of various cultural backgrounds, age brackets, and marital statuses. The information kept me on the edge of my orgasm, I looked like a good listener.
I wanted to leave her with her entanglements, but when she clutched my penis and I said: “I’m in love with you,” it was too late. After a few months, it was clear her predicament could not be easily resolved as more male friends were coming out of the woodwork, old and new, the new ones old as well. I became increasingly disgruntled and started to protest in what I thought was the right way: by making biting remarks.
For example, she mentioned she met a man on the bus, and I insinuated that she rode his smelly, bloated, deformed body and kissed the paralyzed grimace of stupidity and corruption that he called his face.
It was funny at first.
You can be the richest, gorgeouest man on the planet, you won’t be able to control your woman. You can’t keep up the level of charm you had during courtship. You can buy gold, send detectives, sign affidavits, or do nothing like I did, there will be a new suitor around sooner than later.
It’s almost inevitable. Two people interact at work, ones sees the other persuade a client at a meeting or stack boxes neatly in a factory storage, and instincts take over. If they don’t, for example, if the man is brain-dead, there are late-night assignments, business trips, and office Christmas parties.
Then every cuck has to define for himself what constitutes cheating. One has a seizure after a prolonged glance, another is fine with hugging. In 2003, cell phone calls were expensive, and prepaid SIM cards charged for the entire minute from the first second. People made one-ring calls to confirm they were alive and thinking about the rung person. I once saw a teenager on the street yelling at his friends: “Prečo jej prezváňa? To je moja holka. Ešte raz to zrobi, rozj*bem mu hlavu!” (Why is he ringing her? She’s my girl. If he does it again, I’ll bust his f**king head open!)
So this youngster drew the line at a half-a-second pocket beep. I was expected to cross it into deep kissing and light condomed penetration. I was a classic limousine liberal and thought I’d be all right. But when it happened, I felt excruciating pain, shock, revulsion, I stopped eating, sleeping, started replaying everything, lost trust in everybody, and was changed forever. It was like being forced to install an app.
It’s the most curious thing in life: seven women come up clutch, six you forget, ONE you don’t. There was tenderness and closeness with seven, ONE you don’t. Seven did it with others, six you don’t care about, ONE you do. How does one keep ONE from doin’ it when she moves around, smiles, talks, and accepts invitations to innocent coffee? If you can do it, I salute you, effendi.
Yes, there are faithful men and women in this world and good for them. There are also soldiers who believe they will survive the war. Grunts in the first line believe it.
What is the best kind of woman? Young, slim, curvy, soft, legs begin mid-body or higher, in a mini skirt or tight slacks, high-heeled pumps, tube top with natural wavy motions inside, kind and sensible on first impression but secretly out of her gourd. Who wants a woman like that? Everybody! How many actively and persistently try to get with her? Around 5%.
Now Slovakia has 5.5 million residents. That’s like the Philadelphia metropolitan area. There’s 1.1 million pensioners and 1 million children. Half of the rest are women, half of those are married or in that state of mind, and half of the other half do not meet the pre-defined criteria. That’s 425,000 sexy free agents. The 5% of men are 85,000. That’s 5 women per active womanizer, easily doable in a month. So the only way for life to go on is to have infidelity, promiscuity, and prostitution. In Slovakia, Philadelphia, and everywhere else.