Sex is hard in two senses, it’s visually blunt and physically demanding. I once got a calf cramp during simple missionary. For a second the woman was proud what frenzy she inflicted on her new guy, three seconds later she feared for his life. But that’s nothing compared with love. Love is so strong, it kills when you come near it.
If you resemble a human, women will sleep with you and do unspeakable acts of kindness to you. Not all of them all the time, they are not computers, they are people, contrary to popular belief.
But don’t ask them right away. Start with something easy, like limescale, then smuggle a subtle compliment here and there, like she’s a goddess from another galaxy and you want to kiss her where her solar system don’t shine. It is shocking how low the standards of these creatures are. Be teensy-weensy intrusive and have a coherent message of goodwill.
Say something like:
“Hello. I work for Transparency International. I’d like to buy you dinner sometime, but if it’s over 100 euros, you’ll have to report it on your following income tax return. Why don’t you just come over and we’ll have breakfast the next day.”
Don’t say:
“The calendar is a gimmick. They show us two free days so that we accept working for five. The year is a new interval of false hope during which this shrieking lie we call life can be repaired.”
Don’t worry, the words will come to you. Don’t be sad, but don’t be a Chad. Don’t be cruel, but don’t be a fool. Whatever you do, not what I did: watch porn until you start recognizing actors by penises.
Yes, you’ll be nervous. I stuttered and trembled in front of all my girlfriends. What I did was I took their hand and put it on my chest. They felt the superfast heart pounding and flipped out: “What??? You’re going to die, please calm down, okay, I’ll go have a drink with you.”
Photo. When I was 19, I went on two dates resulting from conversations in chat rooms. One was a 13-year-old girl, the other a woman in her late 30s. They both misrepresented themselves a bit too much. I haven’t used the services since, but even then it showed my personality had universal appeal. I went back to basics: open pie hole, make noises.
Photo. I once went on a date with a lovely young woman who showed me nude pictures she had stood for in an atelier and said the photographer made a pass at her. She was a waitress and the owner of the place made a pass at her also. I liked her. I made a pass at her and she let it pass.
There are 8 billion people on this planet, how do you think they got here? Man asked and woman thought: “Hmm, he’s going to be gentle, make it nice for me too and hang around afterwards.” And they still trust the next guy. And the next. Women are relentless. Yes, half of them have arranged marriages, but still.
And these aren’t any ordinary disappointments, real danger lies ahead. Five things can happen when you have sex, four of them bad. These are not good odds.
- You and your partner feel genuine affection for each other, your bodies and souls lock. When a challenger appears, nobody wants to have sex with him/her, no matter how attractive he/she is. It’s like you’re formatted to each other and won’t connect to a new device. But sometimes one of you installs an emulator.
- You have genuine affection for each other, but one partner doesn’t see sex as a big deal (and it doesn’t have to be) and enjoys it with third parties. This scenario causes most misunderstandings and strife in the world. The simple suggestion – don’t put things into other things apart from mine – cannot be obliged.
- You feel genuine affection, the other does not. But the look in your eyes is nice when they kiss you, so they string you along. Sometimes they forget why they keep you around and you spend your whole lives together.
- It’s just about sex for both. Friendship may arise. Help with opening pickle jars. Babysitting. No, babysitting usually precludes this. I can’t say if any proverbial happiness is attainable, my test sample has been very small. You’ll have to ask my FUSSY HUSSY.
- Rape, blackmail, favors, transactions. Some people can’t let it go: “Gimme, gimme, I want nicey feely on my pee-pee.” How does this rape work anyway? I have trouble making love to a desirous woman, what am I supposed to do with a kicking, screaming, biting one?